ANS jokes

Fletcher is not a lesbian. He is also not an Asian. He is also definitely not an accident.

How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?

It's only got 10 hours to live.

An assassin threatens a planet.

The planet remains calm.

The assassin: "Do you not realize the gravity of this situation?"

Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" asks the other.

"I'm positive!"

What's the difference between an air blower and Little Boy?

When the air blower blew, it did not wipe out Hiroshima.

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an African baby?

A pair of jeans only has 1 fly.

What do you call an abortion in a bathtub?

Chunky Tomato Soup.

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.

Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.

When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.

On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."

So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.

Teacher: What does a chicken give you?

Student: An egg!

Teacher: What does a fat cow give you?

Student: Homework!

For an orphan, any bag of chips is family size.

What do you call an anorexic blond with a yeast infection?

... A quarter pounder with cheese.

Why do orphans like emos?

Reverse "emo" and put an "h" in the beginning.

Judge: We shall now sentence you for the murder of your parents.

Accused: Please consider a lenient sentence, your honor.

Judge: But why?

Accused: Because I’m an orphan.

I kidnapped an orphan. What are they going to do? Cry for mom?

I saw a kid crying today and asked them, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage!

A student got a bad letter grade, so the next day he came back with his own letter grade in his backpack: an A-K47.

What is an astronaut's favorite part of a keyboard?

The SPACE BAR!