ANS jokes
Ancestry.com is spelled with an “I” in Alabama.
What's an Emo's favorite drink?
Water, JK it's cyanide.
What makes an ISIS joke funny?
The execution.
What do you call a selfie taken by an orphan?
A family portrait.
How do you get an emo kid to jump?
A bridge.
An Irish man walks out of a bar. It can happen.
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
I have a pen, I have an Apple, um, Apple pen.
The Taliban had a plane, the US had a building boom, 9/11.
Ganesha is an elephant.
What does Pikachu and an orphan have in common?
Pikachu, I choose you!
How do you make a trash can leak?
Hit it with an axe until it becomes part of the cosmos!
What do you call an hourglass with no sand in it?
A waist of time.
Shit, if somebody invades America, the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go.
We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets has become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out?
Hell, the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit, Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have Comedy Central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the United States. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
What's the difference between an emo kid and an onion?
You cry when you cut an onion.
What do you call an epileptic in a swimming pool? A dishwasher.
So a girl says, "You're so ugly to me," and she says, "I’m the prettiest girl." I say, "Yeah, a pretty girl for an ogre 👹!"
What do you call an orphan? No home-o.
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
Why couldn't an orphan use a fighter jet?
Because he couldn't use the homing missiles.