ANS jokes
Superman has been called to a huge house fire. Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!" Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--" Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
A kid asks for an ice cream. The man says, "Any sauce?" and the kid says, "Na, I got ketchup at home."
Being bullied by an artist? Want them to leave you alone?
www.VincentVanGoghAway.com
What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
What job lets you kill the most people?
An abortion doctor.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
He doesn't know where home is.
What's the difference between MetaCareForAll and the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?
One of them is an unrealistic fantasy that can never come true because it wouldn't work. The other one is the resurrection our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
My friend thinks he is funny.
He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.
These are meannnnn.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.
It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
If two people who have the clap sleep together, did they make an applause?
There's an orphan in my class... For some reason, he never leaves.
A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him up!
What's an egg's favorite phrase?
An eggspression.