ANS jokes
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
The baby cries when I cut it, but an onion makes me cry when I cut it.
A Down syndrome kid asks for an ice cream. The man asks, "Do you want sauce on it?"
The kid says, "It doesn’t matter, I’m going to drop it anyway!" 😂😂😂
What do you call an Italian dog?
A labra-noodle.
I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?
In an explosion.
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.
The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.
"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.
Hey, you wanna hear something funny?
An atom makes up everything. Half of this site contains this joke. Don't trust the internet, kids.
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
An Irish man walks out of a bar. It can happen.
When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then "WHOA-MAN!!"
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?
Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"
Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.
God better hope they got an elevator to Heaven.
Want to hear an inside joke? I walked into a house.
Want to hear an outside joke? I walked out of that house.
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
Little boy: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Little boy: Your parents.