Animal Jokes

Jacob Stewart

A salamander came by me the other and he AXOLTOL questions. BA DUM TSS!!!

This was stupid, but I found it clever.

Y’know, I never knew Obi-Wan Kenobi participated in an anime, Snow White with the Red Hair, up until now.

hi
in Roast

I’d hit you but if I did I’d go to jail for animal abuse

Anonymous
in Anime

why does the flash eat ostreges because he likes fast food

Bluepogdog (on twitch)
in Dark Humor

My best of all time: As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.” When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. “What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.” When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.” Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?” It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey. What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny car. “I work with animals,” the guy says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner. Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver! “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere. It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.

my friend told me to beat that pussy up… so why are the local animal control at my door

geust

FIRST DATE

man: i work with animals every day woman: oh how sweet! what is it that you do? man: im a butcher…

Daddy Milkie
in Orphan

Why did Orphans have to drink there own piss? Because last time they went to the bar they went with there dad and drank some corona then got drunk and started eating someones toenails so his dad went to go get the milk and everybody has to evacuate the bar then the Orphan started walking on his teeth and got listed for the top ten wanted animals in the world so then he felt wanted and went to go home and had nobody to go to so he found the beer bottle he drunk out of and started pissing in it so he wouldnt die and loved it so then someone saw him in the bushes pissing in a beer bottle then drinking so the person who saw him started recording and posted it on youtube and the boy became famous so now he can feel like he was wanted in life after daddy went to go get the milk then the little boy became really rich

Nivedh jha

There lived a jackal in a forest he did not get the day’s food so he was very hungry and wandered throughout the forest but could not find any food finally he dicided to go to the city as he was walking into the city as soon as he was walking he heard some dogs bark soon he found a group of dogs running towards him so he rushed into a nearby house which belonged to a Dyer and fell into a tub filled with blue dye the dogs that were chasing him returned back as they could not find him the jackal came out blue from the tub and went into the forest every animal In the forest were frightened to see a new animal the jackal realised that all animals were afraid of him and took advantage of the situation he called the animal towards him the jackal said oh my dear friends I have been sent by gods in heaven to protect you all I will be the king of this jungle all the animals became very happy everyday they served him food and took care of all his needs they came to him with all their problems and listened to what there king said one day as the king jackal was sitting by the court he heard a pack of jackals howling in the forest for a long time he had not heard these voices he felt very happy forgetting he was the king he howled back immediately all the animals knew who he really was and started chasing him in anger but the jackal he was already on the run

Nivedh jha

Once upon a time a donkey was in the jungle suddenly he found a lion costume and then wore it then he walks around the forest and then every animal was scared of him then he got to city every human was away from him and he was chasing them when he was chasing his owner he brayed and then he figured out that this is not an real lion and then he told everybody about it then he berated up his donkey

Anonymous
in Rudeness

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Anonymous
in Cheetah

what animal always breaks the law? a cheetah

Midhunter

AOT > ur fav anime

Anonymous
in Anime

I wanted another piece of pizza… but she said I could only have One Piece.

Jennie
in Offensive

Bestie hannah heard that bestie Iz had a migraine! What did she do? She said, My grains don’t hurt that much, at least not when the animals eat them!!

Anonymous

Producer: we need to stop testing out products on animals. CEO: shapoo companies do it all the time Fairchild republic making the A-10 Thunder Bolt

Anonymous
in Anime

Why did naruto run fast?? Because he tried to get away from himself

random_person

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

“Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!” (Found on the web if you don’t like it don’t leave a hate comment)