Animal jokes
So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.
The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"
I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.
What’s the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You can’t milk a cow for 15 years.
In the cute fantasies: "Est-ce que tu manges du poulet? Attendez une seconde, VOTRE PROFESSEUR VEGAN!!!!!"
In reality: "Are you eating chicken? Wait a second, YOUR THE VEGAN TEACHER!!!"
Why did the frog take the train to work? His car got toad.
Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other site? Ah hah hah hah hah!
Why are dogs different than orphans?
Because dogs don't cry for their parents.
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.
What does the cross guard say to the cows crossing the road?
Mooooooooooo along!
Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!
Are you an egg, because you crack me up?
An orphanage is like a horse rescue. You rescue them, rehabilitate them, then sell them for as much as possible.
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.
What do you call a scared octopus?
An octopussy.
What do you call someone who’s afraid of breaststroke? Chicken breast.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer (no idea).
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and sick his dick.
My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?
Me: No.
Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.
A black cat will be racist next.