A baby penguin sat on an iceberg. The baby penguin watched the Titanic sink.
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.
After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.
“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.
The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”
A man went hunting with his son and shot an animal.
The father asks the son to identify the animal he just shot, and the son answers: "Holy Cow!"
Father: "What do you mean, 'Holy Cow?'"
Son: "You shot a hole in the cow, of course!"
Ask someone if they are a rhino. If they say yes, tell them "so you're horny." And if they reply yes again, block them from your life entirely.
What do you get when you cross an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
'Cause he was stuck to the chicken.
What do you call a dinosaur that loves sucking dino dick?
Sucks-alota-cocka-sorass.
Someone: "I got chickens out there vibin'."
Me: "What? Oh, you mean those over-sized chickens that just show an example of you in real life?"
Someone: . . .
A penguin and a polar bear are sitting in a bathtub. The penguin asks the polar bear, "Hey, can you pass the soap?" The polar bear obliges.
A few moments later, the penguin asks, "Hey, can you pass the scrubber?" The polar bear does. Shortly after that, the penguin says, "Hey, can you pass the rubber ducky?"
The polar bear, beginning to become upset, turns to the penguin and says, "What do you think I am? A radio?!"
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.
What's the difference between a dog and a foster child?
A dog doesn't run to the police after you beat it.
Teacher: "Ok class, what animal jumps the highest?"
Kid: "A leopard."
Quiet kid: "No, it's emo kids. Some of them are still in the air."
Kid: "Broooooooooooo."
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.
The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.
The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.
"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.
The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."
Did you know China wanted to send a dog to space?
They didn't because they ate it.
So here's the joke. A bear walks into a bar and sits down and then....then..........then................................zzzz
What does a zebra and I have in common?
We both have stripes.
So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.
The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"
Why did the chicken say to the football guy, "You quarter?"
