Animal jokes
Which animal is the least trustworthy?
Do you know that Helen Keller had a dog?
Neither did she.
Why can’t Chinese people play baseball? Because they ate the bat!
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
What did Joe Biden say to the dog? I'm gonna molest you.
Why do you stink?
Because you haven't showered, tu, perro.
Hello! Why did the duck cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken!
What is the difference between an orphan and a cat?
The cat is actually cute.
Why did the cow go to outer space?
To see the moooon!
What's the difference between a cop car and a hedgehog?
With a cop car, all the pricks are on the inside.
What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper.
What's black, white, black, white, red, white, black, red, black, then red all over?
A penguin falling down the stairs.
Your mom is so fat that when she stood on a scale, it said, "We need an actual person, not an elephant!"
A panda walks into a restaurant, orders some food, and eats it. Once he was done, he shoots the waiter, then leaves.
Police and detectives arrive at the scene. They ask the waiter, "Who did this to you? What happened?"
The waiter replies, "A panda, eats, shoots, and leaves."
What do you call a blind German shepherd?
A Nazi.
What do you do when your cat's not home?
Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
Hey, you there, were you raised on a chicken farm? 'Cause you really know how to raise a cock!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she wanted to have an affair with the rooster.
I met a talking lizard. The doctor told me he had ereptile dysfunction! 🦎
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultrygeist!