Animal jokes
Why don't stags buy drugs? Because they are too deer.
What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"
What do you call a bunch of llamas?
Alpaca llama.
Why do cheetahs have spots? Chicken pox.
I like penguins.
Why do cheetahs run?
Why not?
Why can't cheetahs run forever? Because they run out of breath!
What's a bull's favorite body part?
An eye-BULL!
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen!
One day, there was an ugly barnacle. It was so ugly that everyone died. The end!
How do you turn your dog into a watchdog?
Get it a Rolex!
A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. "What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, a herd," her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"
How do you know if an Asian has broken into your house?
Your dog is gone. ;)
So, a bear and a rabbit are in a field. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Does your poop stick to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No." Then the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt.
What's a horse's favorite football player? NEIGH-mar!
A polar bear walks into a bar, asks the barman, “A pint of lager................. and a packet of crisps.”
The barman asks, “Why the large pause?”
Knock knock? Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? Not kangawho, kangaroo!
Did you hear about the new doggy condos?
Apparently they are now releasing!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Nobody likes that joke.
A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"
The bartender says, "No bread here."
And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"
And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"
And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"
And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."
So the duck says, "Got any nails?"
And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"
And the duck says, "Got any bread?"
And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.