What is the best type of snake?
A dead one.
What's the difference between a grape and an elephant?
I don't know, what?
They are both purple except for the elephant.
There once was a bear and a rabbit, and they hated each other.
The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a mystical talking tree. The tree said: “I can give you 3 wishes each if you will stop fighting!”
So the bear went first. “I wish all the bears inside the forest are ladies.” And all the bears within the forest became females.
The rabbit said: “I wish I had a helmet.” Rabbit gets the helmet, and the bear looks at him funny.
The bear wishes: “I wish all the bears in the United States are ladies.” The wish was granted.
The rabbit says, “I wish I’ve a bike.” By this point, the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. The rabbit could wish for cash and have all the bikes in the world.
The bear says: “I wish all the bears inside the world are women.” The wish is granted.
While it’s the rabbit’s turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his bike, and says: “I wish that bear is gay.”
I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It just felt like it.
Why don’t alligators grow up to 15 feet?
They only have 4.
Why did the out of shape cow quit her job?
She got tired of jumping over the moon.
I work with animals!
What do you do?
I’m a butcher.
Where is an elephant’s penis?
On their feet, because if you get trampled on, you’re fucked.
Mary had a little lamb Key word is had, her dad's favorite meat is a human
What do cows use to do their homework? A cowculator.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
What animal should wear a wig?
A bald eagle!
I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.
Damn, DIN just went over me and I'm trying to figure out what it is. A camel's dick.
What do you call a short student?
A Ravin.
Hey, did you hear about the cat revolution? It was a cat-astrophy! I guess we just have to stay PAWSitive!
Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.
Why are ant colonies very healthy? Because they have lots of antibodies.
What did the frog say to the pedophile?
