Animal jokes
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
'Cause it got knocked down on its way.
What do you call an octopus with eight legs? An octo-pussy!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
My asian neighbors dinner.
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
What's the difference between a frog and a skyscraper? The frog can jump. Hahahahaha!
What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?
Dairy free.
Why didn't the cows eat the lemon grass?
It made sour milk.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your fat ass mom.
What kind of cow has 2 legs?
YOUR MOM!!
What's the difference between puppies and orphans?
The puppies actually get adopted.
Why did the lion say, "I'm faster than you," to the cheetah?
Because it was Halloween!
My favorite species is a cheetah because
Ima cheet-ah on the test.
What animal can't you trust with your homework?
A: A cheetah!
Why don't chickens and sheep get along?
Because they have beef between them.
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
You know I want an ADHD cure.
When?
Squirrel!
I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂
What do you call a cow's facial hair?
A moostache.
Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought of the zoo and monkeys too!
Student: There are 505 rocks in a car. If 8 fall out, how many are left?
Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left.
Student: Ok!!
Student: How do you put an alligator in a closet?
Teacher: You can't, it won't fit.
Student: No!! Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door.
Teacher: Ohhh, now I get it.