And jokes

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3

When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf?

When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice...

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?

The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.

That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

Roses are red, lemons are sour.

Spread your legs and give me an hour.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?

A penguin in a blender.

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

How many times can 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"