And jokes

Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3

Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf?

When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice...

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?

The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.

That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

Roses are red, lemons are sour.

Spread your legs and give me an hour.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?

A penguin in a blender.

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?

They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.