And jokes

What’s the difference between an apple and a depressed kid? The apple falls from the tree.

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

What is the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie? He doesn't walkie or talkie.

What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?

One stays quiet forever...

How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.

How many times can 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out.

A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”

The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.

“It’s really not your day, is it?”

Yo mama like a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everybody’s pants.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."

What do Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common? They both get turned on by kids.

What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What's the difference between orphans and cotton?

Cotton gets picked.

It's all fun and games until someone fails at becoming Superman.

There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.

1. What's the difference between Dark humor and Morbid humor? Dark humor is 10 babies in 1 trash can and Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.

2. What's the difference between a pizza and a baby? A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.