And jokes

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

Sometimes I have this incredible urge to grab a child from school and yell, "I'm you from the future!"

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

They were always saying "Bach, Bach, Bach". And his cows preferred Moo-zak.

I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.

She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."

Why did Oliver have no friends?

His last name was Clothesoff, and all the other kids would get in trouble whenever they would ask to play with Oliver Clothesoff.

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."

Bitches be like "you're racist." You're right, and I'm gonna win.

What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Why did the chicken cro-

UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

Life's full of ups and downs :D <3

Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

Your hairline is running away faster than when your dad went to get milk, and that’s saying something.

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

A fly is 6 inches above water, and a fish sees it and it leaps out and gets the fly. Then a bear grabs the fish and eats it. Then a hunter shot the bear, and a mouse saw some crackers and then leaped on the cracker and ate it. Then a cat runs down to get the mouse, trips, and falls into the water, and that's the story of how six inches can get a pussy wet.

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.