And jokes

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

Jo mama is so fat that I could write 3 paragraphs, and she still wouldn't fit!

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

If reincarnation is correct, if you die now, you can be reborn and live a second life. If you were born in Ukraine, you can immediately live a third life.

What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?

Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

What does the M and D in "orphan" stand for?

"Mum" and "Dad."

What's the difference between roast chicken and pea soup?

You can roast chicken.

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.

I saw a kid crying and asked him where his parents were. He started crying harder.

The ungrateful brat. I see why he is an orphan.

What do you call a blind kid with an eye patch and no arms?

Names.

You call it death. I call it peace and quiet.

What’s the difference between candy and an orphan?

Candy is something everybody wants.

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.

Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.

What goes in hard and comes out soft? A toothbrush.

What do a Family Dollar and an orphan have in common? They both have a "f" in "family."