And jokes

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.

She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”

The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”

The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”

Why are carpenters never horny after work?

Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.

When you reconstruct Michael Jackson and Lil Nas X to wreak havoc on preschool.

Women have ass and tits... but men have dick and rights.

How do you get a party started in Africa?

You put a slice of bread on the ceiling and everyone will be jumping.

Q. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

A. Cancer.

I raped a girl and I liked it.

I hope my girlfriend won't mind it.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right.

Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

Are you made of gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, and carbon?

Cuz you’re looking a little big Au Ti S Ti C.

Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."

Do you know why there are no pharmacies and pharmacists in Africa?

Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach!

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them.

The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.

Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.

What is red, pink, and goes round and round?

A baby in a blender.

What is green, brown, and goes round and round?

The same baby 3 weeks later.

Wanna go to suicide school, then time travel to Hitler's bunker and ask him to teach you?