And jokes

Why does a straight guy act gay? Because he wants to feel wanted and wants to be BFFs with the hottest girls.

What's the difference between a pig and a police officer?

The pig smells better.

What's overcrowded and uncomfortable?

My mind.

Yo mama is so fat that she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl and a plate and ketchup to the red zone.

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.

My attempt in 2021.

And my attempt this year.

What does my family and the Twin Towers have in common? We both played Jenga.

What's red and has 7 dents? Snow White's cherry.

Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late again?

Little Johnny: I had to be there for the birth of our first mixed cow, the white cow fell on the mud! (The teacher faints)

If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building, who would hit the ground first?

The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions!

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation to the orphanage :)

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni and got plane.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.

Why?

They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.

What do Special Ed kids and fast kids have in common? They like to do things sped up.

What falls down the building and doesn't get up again?

An emo.

My disabled friend rolled into a burning orphanage and saved lots of kids. When he came out, the kids tried to play with him because his wheels were on fire. They called him Hot Wheels.

There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.

She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."

Son said, "But I can't see."

Mom said, "That's the point."