American Jokes

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

In British chess I guess they play without a queen...

But in American chess they play without 2 towers.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

A guy is talking to an Indian therapist.

He had a red dot, and the American thought it was from a sniper rifle and tackled him and said, "I thought the red dot on your head was from a sniper rifle!"

German XP farms: Train carrying chained guys.

American XP farms: Walking up to a school with a gun.

African XP farms: Cotton field.

The image shows an astronaut on the moon, placing the American flag. The moon is visible in the background, and the text on the image says, "Took me 10 minutes to find what's wrong with this picture."

Why can’t Americans play chess?

They lost 2 towers.

Americans leave without saying goodbye, and Russians say goodbye without leaving.

President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon.

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

I feel bad for all American Clash Royale players.

They always start with two towers downed.

How do you turn a Chinese person into an American? Put a bag of ice on their eyes.

What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?

Death.

A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"

An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"

The Scouser says, "Liverpool."

The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"

The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"

Why is Afghanistan good at chess? They take the rooks out fast.

What is the biggest fear of an American soldier taking a piss in a bush during the Vietnam war? His manhood will be chopped off.

If the American Dream exists, why is it always filmed in Canada?

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”