American jokes

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

Why do American guns only have 30 bullets?

'Cause that's how many kids are in a class.

American people: We will throw your teabags in the ocean!

British: At least our towers didn’t fall. 😎

What do Americans and Rubik's Cubes have in common?

They both have a history of separating colors.

So, in "Revenge of the Sixth" when Anakin goes and kills the younglings, I thought to myself, "Hey, it’s just another day in an American school."

Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...

It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."

If Canada had to apologise for Bryan Adams on several occasions, it's only fair that Americans are tortured and waterboarded for bringing Katy Perry and Carrie Underwood to the world!

When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"

What's common in vampires and American kids?

They both don't get old.

I asked a European what do you call Karens in your country? He said, "American women."

It’s amazing just how paranoid Hitler was.

In Hitler’s Germany, it was illegal to make jokes about him or his regime.

Come on! Forbidding Germans from making jokes? Isn’t that a bit like forbidding Americans from eating salad?

I could have sworn while watching anime I saw an American Boeing B-29 Superfortress in the background dropping bombs!

Why are Americans so bad at class royals?

Because they already lost 2 towers.

Did you know that..

Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills.

Oh, thank god I'm in that 1%.

I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."

What show do orphans hate?

"American Dad."

What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?

They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Americans live in the U.S.A. The quiet kids live in the U.Z.I.