American jokes
Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.
The British: We drive on the left side of the road.
Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
Why did my dad cross the road?
To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.
Why do American guns only have 30 bullets?
'Cause that's how many kids are in a class.
Yo mama so American, she deported Dora the Explorer!
American people: We will throw your teabags in the ocean!
British: At least our towers didn’t fall. 😎
The Statue of Liberty is French; she ain't even American. Deport that bitch!
What do Americans and Rubik's Cubes have in common?
They both have a history of separating colors.
So, in "Revenge of the Sixth" when Anakin goes and kills the younglings, I thought to myself, "Hey, it’s just another day in an American school."
Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...
If Canada had to apologise for Bryan Adams on several occasions, it's only fair that Americans are tortured and waterboarded for bringing Katy Perry and Carrie Underwood to the world!
I asked a European what do you call Karens in your country? He said, "American women."
Why are Americans so bad at class royals?
Because they already lost 2 towers.
When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
What's common in vampires and American kids?
They both don't get old.
I could have sworn while watching anime I saw an American Boeing B-29 Superfortress in the background dropping bombs!
What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?
They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
Did you know that..
Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills.
Oh, thank god I'm in that 1%.
What show do orphans hate?
"American Dad."