American Jokes

Americans: we drive on the right side of the road

The British: we drive on the left side of the road

Russia: ROAD IS ROAD *crashing noises follow*

3 rednecks Billy,Joe and John talk about they hobbies, they agree shooting. John says i like shooting animals. Joe says I like shooting birds. Billy says I like shooting cans. Joe and John ask "what kind of can like bear cans, pepsi cans or cola cans". Billy respond Africans, Mexicans, Jamaicans and Asian Americans.

It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go barf, American dogs go woof and Chinese dogs go sizzle

Americans: i will cook the pizza Italians: I Cooka De Pizza

One way to not pick up girl is to say, “are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you.” I tried it on a girl and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

it’s amazing just how paranoid Hitler was.

In Hitler’s Germany it was illegal to make jokes about him or his regime.

Come on! Forbidding Germans from making jokes? Isn’t that a bit like forbidding Americans from eating salad?

I asked an European what do u call Karens in ur country he said American women

What's common in vampires and American kids ?

They both don't get old .

When an American goes on a weight the other person will say "I asked for your weight, not your phone number"!

What's the difference between a gun and a penis? The American government does not define you as having the constitutional right to a penis.

I could have sworn while watching anime I saw a American Boeing B- 29 Superfortress in the background dropping bombs!

I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped up kicks"

Did you know that..

Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills.

Oh, thank god I'm in that 1%.

(Kizaru's back.)

What show do orphans hate? American Dad

whats a similarity between harvey weinstein's pants and american bombs?

They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties

"Why do people call Americans excessive?"

"It was probably because of WWII."

"Oh you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"

(found on web) There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip”

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip”.

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified”

“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls”