American jokes
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
Americans leave without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye without leaving.
What's the difference between an American police man and a Christian?
At least a Christian kneels in church.
He do American feel like Trump is the president, he is stupid like soup.
What do you call an American house?
A gun safe.
Americans are so fat that they named an atom bomb "Fat Man" to describe themselves.
How many white police officers does it take to push an African-American gentleman down the stairs?
Push?! He fell...
What did COVID say to the American?
Nothing, it just took its breath away...
Americans leave without saying goodbye, and Russians say goodbye without leaving.
If you enter the bathroom as an American and leave the bathroom as an American, what are you in the bathroom?
A European.
When do Americans answer their door?
Once freedom rings! ❤️🤍💙
The American Dream is real. It's just set and filmed in Toronto and not Texas.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.
Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"
And I said: "They're the exact same thing."
Then they said: "But when did it happen?"
So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"
Why are the Americans good at Rubik's cubes? Because they have a long history of separating colors.
What are American schools?
Shooting ranges.
What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?
Death.
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."
Why do Japanese people hate iPhones? Because they're scared that American airdrops will fall on them.
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"