Always jokes

I went to school with a gay guy who was really smart, but he always got mad that he got straight A's instead of getting all the D's.

What are women allergic to and always try to dodge?

Accountability.

I hate stairs, they're always up to something.

Why did the kid with Down syndrome get expelled?

He was always tardy.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

Why can’t Michael Jackson win a race?

Because he’s always coming in a lil’ behind.

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

Joke 1# "Knock, knock." Who's there? "Pastur." Pastur who? "Past ur bedtime."

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."

The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.

They’re always so twisted!

Muslims love to exaggerate, that's why they always blow things up.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

Why is hangman always done in black ink?

To make it more realistic.

Q: Why was 10 afraid?

A: Because he was always between 9/11.

I swear I always finish on page 3 when I'm looking at family pictures.

Everyone always has a special person in their life someday, but I think yours got ran over by a bus.

What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?

The witnesses.

I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.

They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.

Why do most orphans become prostitutes?

“Because they always wanted a daddy.”