Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Muslims love to exaggerate, that's why they always blow things up.
What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Everyone always has a special person in their life someday, but I think yours got ran over by a bus.
I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.
I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.
Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.
I swear I always finish on page 3 when I'm looking at family pictures.
Why do most orphans become prostitutes?
“Because they always wanted a daddy.”
My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.
Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.
Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.
My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.
I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...
Why do people always talk about nine eleven???
My dad died that day.
He was a good pilot.
Why can’t Michael Jackson win a race?
Because he’s always coming in a lil’ behind.
I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.
Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.
Why did the cheetah always cheetah against the lion?
Because she knew the lion was always lion.
Wanna hear a poop joke?
Nah, they always stink.
We are always joking around about being adopted, when really we are still living in the orphanage.
Why don't Bald Eagles like fast food? It always runs away!
What is hard about having a relationship with an astronaut?
They are always so distant! :-]
