"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
The only thing I do straight is vodka
The Trump cocktail. Take a large glass and fill it with an ounce of everything behind the bar. Top it with whipped cream and a cherry. Now for the hard part: finding a Mexican to pay for it.
If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks then he'll have to call his pub a Mars Bar
why did the man walk into a bar. because he just broke up and he needs alcohol you dummy
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar, the man orders a beer one for him and one for the giraffe. After they finish their drinks the giraffe falls over and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door. The bartender says "Stop! you can't leave that thing lying on the floor" The man says "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe".
An Irish guy walks out of a bar....
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party? - Because you can't drink and derive.
Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?
Hebrews.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A Roman walks into a bar
He holds up two fingers and says "give me five beers."
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
