Alcohol jokes

We are drunk at the party. There was an ass-ton of drunk girls there with me.

A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."

The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."

Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

So, a neutron went to a bar. He asked the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender said, "For you, no charge."

Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?

They only come out for the boos.

Question: Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Answer: Tequila

My hips can't move, but Heineken.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"

A man with a mullet walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "The party's in the back!"

I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."

Mom, I’m pregnant.

Are you drunk? Why? Because you’re boy.

My mom walks in a bar and the bartender says "water?" saying "we only sell beer!"

So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and he asks the bartender for a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn't have that much breast milk.

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.

Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.

Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.

American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.