Alcohol jokes
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
So, a neutron went to a bar. He asked the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender said, "For you, no charge."
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?
They only come out for the boos.
Question: Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Answer: Tequila
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"
A man with a mullet walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "The party's in the back!"
I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."
Mom, I’m pregnant.
Are you drunk? Why? Because you’re boy.
My mom walks in a bar and the bartender says "water?" saying "we only sell beer!"
So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and he asks the bartender for a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink.
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn't have that much breast milk.
I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"
A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.
The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!
The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”