Aed jokes
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I like my men how I like my coffee...
WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!
There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:
"I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."
Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"
The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"
What do you call a once that's an insect?
A creepy crawly.
A guy in a white helmet telling kids to kill themselves.
What does a hear-moo say? "Fat cow!"
Did Jesus die a virgin? No, he got nailed before he died.
Imagine being expelled from school for bringing a weapon to school.
I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.
I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.
A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"
Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.
If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.
A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."
He was in the infantry.
Why are orphans whores?
Because they want a sugar daddy. 🙃
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
If a girl says no twice 🤔.
Mathematically that’s a yes, so you’re good to go!
You ever had sex with a woman that is so fat, it counted as a threesome?
What’s 8 inches and women scream when they see it?
A puppy, you dirty monkey!
There was a house with a three-story building.
The first one had Mexicans.
The second one had Africans.
The third one had white people.
An earthquake came.
But who did survive?
The white family because they were at work.
I can do a very good Michael Jackson impersonation. I just need a kid who can keep a secret.
Chalie has an eating disorder, and he is shorter, so is his life, but he will never get a wife. He's a gay motherfucker who wants to be hit by a trucker?