Actuality jokes

What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?

Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.

My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

Once, there was a man that was coming to my house and peeing in my yard. Then the man came back to my house and flopped his penis everywhere and peed at the same time, and it went all over my face.

So the next day, he came back, and I got my BB gun and shot a metal BB into his peepee.

This didn't actually happen.

I went to the orphans to paint a picture of their parents so they can actually talk to them.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 1 to actually change the light bulb and the other 98 to suck each others' cocks and shit like that.

Can bees fly higher than Mt. Everest? No? Actually, they can. Mt. Everest can't fly.

Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

Why are orphans not allowed in stores?

Because else they would actually feel at home.

Trump's cabinet are like panties. Some crawl up your butt, some snap under pressure, and some actually cover your butt when you need them.

What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

The chicken is actually a fruit because it is grown on a pole-tree.

What are you doing, son? It has been an hour, and you are still in front of the mirror closing your eyes.

Mum, actually I want to see how I look while sleeping...

Yo mama is so dumb, she wanted to get some ice, but she went to Antarctica and actually got ice and brought wilt cream! 🤣

The QUEEN is JACK! KING off the JOKER!

I know what you're thinking, pervert. Actually, the joke's about a jester in drag. OK, I’m joking, the Queen cheated on the King with the Jester.

The QUEEN is JACK! KING off the JOKER!

I know what you're thinking, pervert. Actually, the joke's about a jester in drag.

OK, I'm joking, the Queen cheated on the King with the Jester.