Actuality Jokes

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.

After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"

Man: "I am 35 years old."

Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"

Do you have dark humor?

Actually, never mind. I was going to tell you a joke about babies dying... but I decided to abort.

Rape jokes aren’t funny. People like me that are actually victims of rape are triggered by them.

What did the piggy bank say to his piggy friend?

"Ain't you got no cents?"

Piggy: "Actually, no. Just pork."

Y’all can actually see them at all, my toe.

There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"

Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?

Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.

Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.

Teacher: He did not.

Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.

Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.

Suzy: Then you can ask him.

What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?

Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.

My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

Once, there was a man that was coming to my house and peeing in my yard. Then the man came back to my house and flopped his penis everywhere and peed at the same time, and it went all over my face.

So the next day, he came back, and I got my BB gun and shot a metal BB into his peepee.

This didn't actually happen.

I went to the orphans to paint a picture of their parents so they can actually talk to them.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 1 to actually change the light bulb and the other 98 to suck each others' cocks and shit like that.

Can bees fly higher than Mt. Everest? No? Actually, they can. Mt. Everest can't fly.

Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

Why are orphans not allowed in stores?

Because else they would actually feel at home.