Simone

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

I've come to the conclusion that Trump is the fifth Teletubby.

He's fat, orange, and speaks in gibberish all the time.

If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?

If Donald Trump gets any worse, they'll have to replace Air Force One with a short bus.

I don't laugh at Trump.

I was taught to NEVER make fun of the mentally handicapped.

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

If a CEO goes blind, are they just an EO?

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.

I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

I wasn't going to tell another rape joke but fuck it.

Q. What do you get when you blindfold a racist?

A. A Notsee.

Q: What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a tomato?

A: A tomato isn't a vegetable.

Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?

A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.

I know Marie Antoinette jokes aren't funny, but they're nothing to lose your head over.

Jokes about Marie Antoinette aren't funny, but that's no reason to lose your head.