Simone

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Q. Why didn't Jeffery Dahmer eat comedians? A. He thought they tasted funny.

I'd tell a Luigi joke but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

Q .What's the difference between a Kevlar vest and a CEO? A. The CEO isn't bulletproof.

I should probably stop making emo jokes.

They just don't seem to cut it anymore.

Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo?

A. The pizza doesn't cut itself.

Q: Why did Hitler shoot himself?

A: Because his mother taught him to take out the trash.

Q. What's the difference between Trump and a Teletubby?

A. The Teletubby is a lot more coherent.

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.

If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?

It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.

Weird.

Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.