Worst Jokes Ever

What were Princess Diana's last words?

Have you been Dri...?

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."

Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.

Son: Yo dawg, tell me a story.

Dad: Y'all motherfuckers ain't gon' believe dis shit, so there was dis fairy aight, she had wings, so she flys into a KFC, and comes out with wings, chicken wings.

Also, why did Hawking try to walk across the road? His wheelchair only goes 1 mph, so he got hit by a bus.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."

Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it."

Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

Who is the biggest slut in the world? Ms. Pacman, because you give her 25 cents and she swallows balls until she dies.

Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.

Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.

A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.

The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

In Saudi Arabia, our pick up lines are, "Girl, are you a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb."

China has a population of a billion people. One billion.

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as "The bomb" is not okay.