Worst Jokes Ever
Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?
Kids: Because you're a psycho path.
Q: Why did the islamic chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the airport.
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
Why do midgets work at Tesco?
Because every little helps.
What talks high pitched and can't fly?
A gay man in Iran.
What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...
And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.
When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”
I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.
What's the best time to hang out with an Indian? When your nose is clogged.
I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
Instead of Edward Scissorhands, I’m Edwardscissor wrists.
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"
Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"
Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.
Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.
Little Johnny: What are you doing?
Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.
Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.