Worst Jokes Ever
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.
I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.
DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.
I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.
There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?
A Sandy Hooker
God created everyone unique till he got to Asia, then it just went to copy paste, copy paste.
Why did the girl not eat her dinner?
because she has an eating disorder.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
Suicidal people are groundbreaking.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."
Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."