Yours jokes

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

If you're feeling mad, punch an autistic kid. What's he gonna do, blabber to the teacher?

What's the square root of your dead?

9/11.

A note for my old English Teacher:

Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...

And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!

Your hairline is like a lollipop because every time someone licks it, it gets shorter.

Are your forehead and hairline old friends because they go way back?

I don't got a pencil or pen in this bookbag. Added like ten to the clip 'cause it look bad. Don't give a fuck if you pissed, nigga, get mad. Or you can bitch and get killed with your bitch ass. Lil' bro got blood on his shirt with his Crip ass. Go write a diss and get murked, don't do shit ass. Bitch, I'm a star, I might burst with my stiff ass. Hop out the car like, "Who want it? Who with that?" I don't know nothin', I was gone when they did that. Bandana wrapped where my chrome and my wig at. If he want beef, hit his home with a Big Mac. Niggas be breakin' the code like a Kit-Kat. Runnin' your mouth like a ho get you bitch-slapped.

Is your dad Spider-Man, because he got no way home?

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

Slow and steady wins the race...

...but it will never fix your ugly face.

Are you Shane Dawson?

Because I can be your pussy.

Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.

Sensei: That’s funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.

Cop: Hehe, that’s funny because I gave them the fine!

Your kid's so ugly he would make a Happy Meal cry.

A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.

The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."

85% of us are good at school, while the other 15% is good at suicide.

(Teach me your ways, 15%.)

Rape, 9/11, abortion, orphan, murder, dead, kill, drugs.

What makes all these categories so familiar? Either you've experienced them, or made them up in your backstory.

Banker: I have the right to take your money!

Me: Check my name.

Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?

Banker: *realizes*

Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.

1, 2 look at your shoes.

3, 4 they look better than yours.

5, 6 you have no friends.

7, 8 you look like a ape.

9, 10 don't you like men?

11, 12 hell naw I like females.

Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn!

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents!