Yours jokes
Your head looks like a joke.
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
Me: "I came home laughing."
Parents: "What's wrong?"
Me: "The teacher asked everyone a question. Luckily, I was the only one who knew."
Parents: "Good for you, Johnny. What was the fantastic question your teacher gave everyone and only you knew?"
Me: "Well, it's kinda complicated, but here it goes."
Parents: "What is it?"
Me: "Who farted?"
Here's a good tree joke to spruce up your day!
Son: Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah, I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
- I think you're EGGcellent.
+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.
- Really? Are you done yet?.
+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.
What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance.
What do you say when your friend has an ankle sprain?
"Damn bro, you got an ankle spring!"
A letter to all Math:
Dear Math,
Grow up and solve your own problems!
2x6= DO IT YOURSELF!!!!
Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."
The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.
The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.
The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.
What do you call a best friend that smokes weed?
A pothead. Just because he's your friend, you don't have to support his poor decisions. Jeez, what has America come to?
Bob the Golden Retriever and Lily the Husky were talking at Bob's house.
Lily: Bob, do you think I'm fat?
Bob: No, Lily, of course not! You're just a little husky!!!! Lol. Golden Retrievers are funny.
Mr. Nobody: Water you thinkin's happenin', Ol' Mr. Atlantic?
Mr. Atlantic: Something Smells Fishy...
Mr. Nobody: Well, duh, you idiot! You're an Ocean!
Mr. Atlantic: WTH!?!?????
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.
Doctor: I see your point!
So you can't pay rent and you know you're going to get evicted, but all of the sudden you hear a knock on your door and it's your landlord, but he's naked and erect, and on his cock, it says, "Your rent is due."
A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.
The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!
The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.
I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them, but the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, “Shove it up your butt, if you laugh we kill you.” So, he shoves the peach up his butt and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native Americans kill him. They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “Oh yea, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.