Yours jokes

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I have a secret crush on your momma.

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

We shouldn't joke about rape, because rape is no laughing matter...

Unless you're being raped by a clown.

Your hairline goes all the way back to when Burger King was a Burger Prince.

Random person: We are taking away your freedoms to keep you safe.

Hitla: That's exactly what I said.

You looking for jokes? I have one: your life.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

You can't YEE your last HAW!

But I put my BALLS in ur JAW.

How do you know your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face.

My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.

All of a guy's sons came out gay. He ordered 10 shots in a bar.

The bartender asks, "Do you have anyone in your family who likes women?"

The man said, "My wife does!"

My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

What's the only good part of your crush dying before you have the chance to bang her?

She can't say no!

The Mexican landscaper came to cut our lawn. My mom was happy then asked him, "Can I have some of your burrito?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Whatever."

A few minutes later, my mom told me to cut the lawn. I said, "Why do I have to do it? That's what he's there for." My mom said, "He's going to do the burrito for me." Then I said, "Okay." I finished cutting the lawn and went in the house. I see my mom giving the landscaper a blow job. I said to my mom, "What are you doing?" My mom said, "What does it look like? I'm having my burrito." The landscaper told me that I missed a spot while cutting the lawn.

One day it was me and my sister in the house. My sister said to me, "Let's order food." I said, "We have no money." My sister said, "It's cool; we're just going to order egg rolls from the Chinese store. I know the delivery boy, and he won't charge us." I said, "Cool."

The delivery boy came with the egg rolls. I took some and ate mine in my room. I went back in the kitchen. I see my sister giving the delivery boy a blow job. I ask, "What are you doing?" My sister replied back to me, "You had your egg rolls; let me enjoy mine." Then the delivery boy said, "Don't no charge."

Guess what song this is from:

"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,

Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,

Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.

I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.