You're jokes

So an orphan played for a football team, and the coach said, "Your parents must be proud of you!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

You know, people always say your life is worth it, but with me, it's worth-it-less.

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

I got the new phone with longer lasting battery, but it still lasts longer than your relationships, ooooooooooo!

A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.

The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"

"Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"

The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.

The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple will wait until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

Next time you get a call from anybody, say, "Hi, welcome to Dave's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

Or,

"Hi, welcome to Pizza and Abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce!"

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?

When you have a gun in your hand.

Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.

"Pull down your pants, pull out my willy, stir your guts round like a hot bowl of chili."

When you're at school and you have to wipe your ass, but it's only one ply...

Your finger breaks through... mmm, finger lickin' good.

The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.

When your sad don’t feel down about yourself break someone’s leg and laugh.

What’s your favorite type of wood? Mine is Bollywood.

Is your oven running?

Then you better go catch it!

You know we straight with doin' your mom.