You're jokes
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
Your buzz cut is so bad that the bees buzz around it!
Your mama is so fat that when she went to the scale, it said, "No elephants allowed!"
Wade, you're a joke. The worst joke.
Hoped this would be a safer, more fun place to talk to my BP friends, but I guess not.
I've also learned that some people think "worst jokes ever" = "terrible unfunny jokes that make light of people who died horribly or otherwise suffered" instead of things like "why did the chicken cross the road?"-type jokes.
Maybe I'm just too old at this point.
How do you disappoint people in Africa?
Send a message saying that you’re going to send trucks full of food, water, and clothing.
But don’t follow through and send the trucks empty.
2023- my dad is a cop.
1800- my dad owns your dad.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.
Are you made of gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, and carbon?
Cuz you’re looking a little big Au Ti S Ti C.
Bitches be like "you're racist." You're right, and I'm gonna win.
If you don’t like mowing your lawn, just get emo grass! It cuts itself!
What is the worst thing about your birthday being on September 11?
Party crashers.
Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?
Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your dad.
But my dad's dead.
I know, just reminding you!