You're

You're jokes

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great thing to say to someone; horrible way to find out you're adopted.

I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.

A teacher wanted to sing, so she did. This is what she said:

"You have no family, even though you're broker than me."

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

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    • Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."

    "We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.

    "Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."

    The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"

    The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"

    Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

    My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

    A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.

    The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"

    The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

    The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

    The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."

    The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"

    The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

    The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

    The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."

    What's black and white and red all over?

    The darkness of your heart, the dishonor of your lies, and the embarrassment you feel when busted for both.

    When God made Chinese, he said, "DON'T LOOK!" and the Chinese said, "Why?"

    And God replied, "You won't want to be fruitful and multiply if you saw where you are putting that thing."

    It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

    When God made White Man, he said, "NEVER SHUT YOUR EYES!" and the white man said, "Why?"

    And God replied, "You need to keep an eye out for the Chinese, one day they will out number you."

    It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

    Then the white man said, "There is a white genocide!"

    And the survivors of the Holocaust said, "All these Europeans killed each other, so a white genocide is accurate. White killed white."

    Then the Chinese said, "Thank you, we take your land now."

    And the Jews said, "But we are God's chosen people!"

    And the Chinese said, "Yes, every time God show up you get bullied! You might want to worship someone else!"

    And the Jews said, "Why are you Chinese so lucky, you can't even see, you blind!"

    And the Chinese said, "Jesus say be in the world not of the world, so don't go looky looky at the world then."

    It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

    I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.

    Why is that a joke?

    Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.

    Why is that a joke?

    Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?

    Why is that a joke?

    She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.

    No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.

    If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

    Tony Abbott's career.

    Imagine this: You're at math class. The teacher asks you, "What's 11 * 11?" You say, "120." The teacher says, "Wrong!" You say, "How off was I?" The teacher says, "1."

    Me rn: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHERES THE RAGE TABLE or something like that.