Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
My friends: Ugh, why are you so lazy and no fun?
My parents: Why can't you be like your siblings?
My teacher: I don't care if you're depressed, focus on your study!
The songs: We understand you :)
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
What are you good at?
Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Did you fall from heaven? Or did you fall from the cliff up there?
What do you call a group of Emo kids?
Suicide Squad.
What jumps and never let's go?
An Emo kid.
I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.
Dead.
Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?
The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.
If you drop an emo and a piece of paper from a tree, which will hit the ground first?
The piece of paper because the rope will stop the emo.
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “How do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge don't fart when you take your meat out.
When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
You know, people always say your life is worth it, but with me, it's worth-it-less.
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 911 victims?
Well, probably their kneecaps.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
