You jokes

If a simp is staring at you, cover your mouth (they'll stop looking).

I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"

What do you call an orphan who likes football?

Because someone will actually give him something.

You must be rich! You've got all the cashews.

I like tacos more than you like tacos.

Who likes more tacos?

Mee! said the taco.

When you're in the World Trade Center and you connect to airplane wifi.

What do you call a Muslim bee?

Habibee.

What do you say when Jack's late to sex ed?

"Aye-jack-you-late!"

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

Do you know Ligma... potatoes?

You're so skinny, you can barely fit through a door crack.

If you make a joke about me, I'll tell my mom.

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

What do you call crabs that do not share their food?

They are shellfish! (ﾉ≧∀≦)ﾉ

Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.

Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course?

He was playing with too many strokes.

Why can’t you play Uno with Mexicans?

Because they’ll steal all the green cards.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned!”

What do you do when you're sad?

Nothing, because you are just crying about something happening to you.

What do you call a cow that is secret?

AnonyMOOus.