You jokes
Why do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
What do you call a smart pig?
A Swinestein.
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
What’s another name for a cow?
You... cause you're fat.
2 weeks here.
What do dicks and popsicles have in common?
They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.
So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.
Son: I love you, Dad.
Dad gets in car and drives away.
What do gum and guns have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend all of a sudden.
Why can’t you yell at a kid?
Because the cops are after you.
In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.
One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”
Why isn't there a ball pit at Taco Bell? Because it's hard to have fun knowing you might poop your pants.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.
Someone is talking about you behind your back, make a run vhaleka.
Someone is talking about you behind your back, make run "vhaleka."
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"
What do you call a black person?
Black.
A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.
For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.
When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A dino-snore!