You jokes

You are so fat you were able to occupy Wall Street all by yourself.

What should you never say to an orphan?

"Your Mom."

My Mom said, "I have a daughter that killed herself for getting bullied."

Well, I said, "Have you seen her?"

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Suck its cock.

Yo... Kobe, you're going down man. Did you forget the low grade fuel?

Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."

The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."

How do you know an abo robbed your house?

The bins (trash cans) are empty and the dog is pregnant.

You know why Hitler wouldn’t drink whisky? Because it made him angry.

You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"

Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."

Say all you want about priests, but at least they drive slowly in school zones.

What did the floor say to the ceiling?

"I look up to you."

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".

THIS IS A RHYME

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said you know you wanna.

Jill said yes as he grabbed her dress,

and they had a little fun.

Jill forgot her pills so now they have a son.

Fred says, "Have you heard the rumor about butter?"

Bob says, "Umm no."

Fred then says, "Ah, okay then I won't spread it."

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

If your blind girlfriend says you have a big cock, she's probably just pulling your leg.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.