You jokes

Q: What do you call two nuns watching television?

A: Not very interesting.

"Batteries, batteries, who the batteries in your remotes and everything else you got in your house is turned upside down?"

You know the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"?

Great phrase, bad way to find out you're adopted!

Q: What do you call a duck that's sad?

A: Idk, but it's acting really duckpressed.

Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?

"No."

Yeah, but then he woke up.

Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.

If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."

What’s the difference between a normal kid and an Emo?

When you feel an Emo's arm, there’s lots of texture! Feels great, too!

I would like to call you as dumb as a rock, but they can hold a door open.

Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?

Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?

Were you born on the streets? Because that's where most accidents happen.

Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.

What is the difference between a hooker and a feminist?

If you want a hooker to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

Little Johnny walked into his parents' room to see them going at it.

He asked his mom what they were doing, and she said, "Uh, we're play fighting," and he's like, "With no clothes on?"

She said, "Yeah," and so he said, "Let me join you then..."

Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?

Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.

How do you get an emo out of the tree?

You cut the rope.

What do you call an emo's face?

Elmo's son.

There was this boy. He had diarrhea, and he kept asking to go to the bathroom, but the teacher said no. Next thing you know, he pooped himself in front of the class.

I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.