Woods jokes

A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"

He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"

How do you know when you are dating a cannibal?

You go to the beach, he offers to put suntan oil on you, and the brand name is Wesson.

You are having sex and he says he wants to eat your a$$ and you notice he is holding a knife and fork.

He invites you to his home to use the hot tub and it is heated by a wood fire.

You are having an argument and you say "bite me" and he starts to sharpen his teeth.

I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.

School shootings are everywhere. In ice cream shops and even the woods.

She's so fat that when she steps onto a wood floor, the floorboard doesn't creak, it screams: "Goddamn!!!" before it snaps from the weight.

Having sex in the woods and a deer walks up and fucks you from the back.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a can of Spam?

After 6 months in the woods, you'll still eat the can of Spam.

What's a zig zag and made of wood?

Stephen's coffin.

A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.

Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"

Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"

I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.

If you spin a fidget spinner, You'll end up spinning it too fast. When you end up spinning it too fast, it will make you fly away. When you fly away, you'll end up in a tree. When you end up in a tree, you'll see that your friends are hanging out without you. When you see that your friends are hanging out without you, you'll run away in the woods because you're sad. When you ran away in the woods, you'll see a bear. When you see a bear, it will chase you. When the bear chases you, you'll build a fort to protect yourself. When you build a fort to protect yourself, you then notice you're lonely. You'll become friends with the bear. When you become friends with a bear, you'll start to act like a bear. When you start to act like a bear, you will become a bear.

DO NOT BECOME A BEAR! NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER!

Jesus was a carpenter who got nailed to a piece of wood.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a plank of wood?

A plank of wood can take nails to the extremities without screaming.

"I was lost in the woods yesterday."

"I was in some sticky situation..."

Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find

Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.

If your hot dog tastes like a piece of wood, who are you going to call?

"Ghost Musterd."

If your hot dog taste like a piece of wood, who you gonna call?

GHOST MUSTERD

Why did Sellwood get named?

It is made of wood that got sold.

So, a guy and his brother were walking in the woods, and his brother said, "It's getting dark out here, can we go home?"

The man said, "I know, think how I will feel walking home tonight!"

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?