When jokes
What did the Twin Towers get when they ordered an extra large pepperoni pizza?
When the pizza man got there, all they got was plane.
What do you call it when an Astartes cum's... torrential downfall?
What happens when a cow farm gets destroyed, then built up again?
It'll be udder renovation!
Q: What happens when emos make out?
A: They don't; they just hang out.
When you have to fight an emo kid, but he brings his friends, so you gotta fight the Suicide Squad. But you gotta get the boys to help you.
Yo mama so old when she farts, dust comes out.
A man sees a girl crying and asks her what's wrong.
The girl replied, "Everyone keeps making fun of me."
"You should tell your parents," I replied back.
The girl started crying even more. That's when I got confused and left the orphanage.
When people make accounts about you and a category.
Yo mama is so fat that when she walked past the TV, I missed three episodes.
When a stranger keeps telling kids to kill themselves AKA the Stigg.
Why did your dad FUCKING LEAVE YOU? He went to suck balls.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss, and they don't know what can't hurt them.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside of people's houses? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
What’s the difference between an onion and a viola?
No one cries when they cut up the viola.
What happened when the depressed kid went to give it a high five?
It left him hanging.
You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."
I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.
I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.
Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.
If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.
What’s 8 inches and women scream when they see it?
A puppy, you dirty monkey!
My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."
When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."