What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?
They both make terrible hunters.
Whats Jokes
What is the difference between a snowman and a snow girl?
Snowballs.
What is red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
What is it called when you whoop a donkey?
A whooped ass and apparently some people get that everyday from their drunk dads.
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce any milk? An udder failure.
What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?
A girl actually dates the paper.
What song was played at the flatulent centenarian's birthday? Candle in the Wind!
What did the salad dressing say to the tomato?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
What is the difference between a tree 🌲 and a car 🚘?
A car can drive, and a tree 🌳 cannot drive.
What is a difference between a tree and a car? A car 🚙 can drive and [a] tree 🌲 can not drive.
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
What did the bus driver say to the nut 🥜?
"Where do you live?"
What do you call the bear that pushes all the other bears into the pool?
The dry bear.
What did the salt say to the vinegar during the sweet and sour dynasty?
"STUPID VINIGGER!"
What do you call a black woman?
A Nigg-girl.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
So, a bus crashes, killing everyone on the bus, and God feels so bad that He gives each one a wish.
The first person comes up, and she wants to be beautiful, so God makes her beautiful, and she goes into Heaven. The next person comes up, and he says, "I want to be beautiful as well." As this goes on, the last man in the back begins laughing a little, everyone becoming beautiful, until God asked the last person what they want, and he said, "I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again!" So God had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted.
One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.
His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.
The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in her butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”
“That explains one black eye,” the wife says, “but what about the other?” The man explains, “I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there.”
I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.
I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.
