My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. -- Well they're not laughing now!
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
A blind man once told me, he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward. Well, let just say that I see his point.
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed.
