Wed Jokes

My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.

Why are orphan weddings so entertaining?

They get to walk themselves down the aisle.

Why do melons always have big weddings?

Because they cantaloupe!

What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony?

"May divorce be with you."

A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.

The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"

The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."

The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"

The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

The wedding was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers.

Why did the Orphan punch the other orphan?

Because the orphan broke his leg then had to get a retirement fund, so then he farted and got 1m dollars in cash, so then he started eating his toe jam and thought it tasted really good, so he started selling it to Taco Bell, then ate a cow. All the sudden he was attacked by hangry aliens then gave them some toe jam. They loved it, so they farted there way back up to space where they were eating Harold's fresh toe jam. It was so good, then one of the aliens ate there dog, so had to go the dollar tree to get it out then started gagging on one of the aliens' 2 meter defeater, and then the Orphan made out with the other Orphan and had a wedding at playground sharting happily ever after.

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

How to make the kissing in a tree recognizable: me and you k.i.s.s.i.n.g., tree sitting, wedding, love, then comes love, then comes baby in the carriage, then hate comes, divorce and purse.

FEW!!!!!!!

Why was the people's wedding so miserable...

'Cause during the kiss someone farted so loud and stinky, they agreed to never try to have another wedding.

What’s worse than banging your sister?

Having to wear your dad’s wedding ring.

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was tiers.

Why don't orphans need parent approval for their wedding?

Because they never came home.

Grandma: When we go to a wedding, whispers, "You're next."

At a funeral, I whisper, "You're next."

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.