I hope death is a woman. That way, she'll never come for me.
"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"
Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
It's me. I can't get in because Stephen Hawking is in the way.
Are you the sun? I can see you from a mile away.
Fortnite is so bad that when you try to play, trash is always in your way. LOL
Are your forehead and your hairline best friends because they look like they go way back?
Why do orphans not play baseball?
Because they don't know the way home!
Which way is quicker to die? Noose or slitting my throat?
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? A: They put a plunger in the toilet.
Q: How many kids did Helen Keller have? A: None, the plunger went all the way up.
You went the wrong way. Always choose the right path.
Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber or die in the slowest and most painful way possible?
They're the same thing.
If Sakura's head looks like earth, then her hairline has to look like the Milky Way.
What is the best way to make a leaf?
Go down, back around, and stir up a tree. Make it spin, watch again. Oven baking, ding, we're done!
What do you call a crazy-in-every-way sister?
A sissy.
What's an emo's favorite way of growing food?
The slash and burn tactic.
Your forehead and hairline are like friends; they go way back.
Does that neverending forehead of yours go all the way to Mars, holy fucking shit?
Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!
"The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.
"Why?" said her friend.
"Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"
"Is that the only reason?" said her friend.
"Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."
