US jokes

What's the difference between an orphan and a pencil?

People actually have a use for one of them.

Why are bears' hair so sticky?

Because they use honeycombs.

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)

Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.

Why do orphans use Samsung?

Because iPhones have home buttons.

What did the parents rearrange the furniture to punish a child?

Guess he was a stupid blind motherfucker 🖕 that didn't even know how to use a cane to figure out where they put the furniture.

Our teacher told us to write a story about the life of an object that's not alive, so I wrote a story about an emo kid.

How did the nut study for its test?

It used the inter-nut.

Why do orphans not buy a keyboard? Because they can’t use the home button.

Why can't orphans use a phone?

Because they can't find the home button.

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

Your momma's so fat, she had to take a selfie using the Hubble telescope.

Name what guns are used for. {wrong answers only?}

Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.

Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."

Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."

To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"

Why are bees' hair always sticky?

Because they use a honeycomb...

I used to be a man in a woman’s body. And then I was born.

Momma's so fat, she can use her belly button as a breakfast bowl.

What flowers do orphans use?...

Self-raising flour.

"Among Us," dada.

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.