US jokes

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

You know you are from China when you use rice instead of glue.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

I met a fat chick at the beach.

People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

There used to be Wonder Woman.

Now we wonder, what is a woman?

What do you white people use as pronouns?

Crack/her.

What do lesbians love to use in art class?

Scissors.

Why can't orphans use iPhones?

They can't find the home button.

Troll your friend by saying "I" and saying "cup," and then tell them that that means "I see you pee."

LOL

There is also "lettuce cup," which means "let us see you pee."

Your hairline is so bad that they used it as trenches in the World War.

One day a teacher says: "What does a pig give us?"

A student says: "Bacon!"

The teacher says: "Good! Now, what does a chicken give us?"

A student says: "Eggs!"

The teacher says: "Good! Now, what does a fat cow give us?"

A student says: "Homework!"

The whole class laughs.

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

Why do tryhards use Fennecs? It looks better than the Octane.

Pokemon: What do you call a killer that uses psycho powers?

Mr. Mime!

How do you talk to giants? Using big words.

What's the difference between an orphan and a pencil?

People actually have a use for one of them.

Why are bears' hair so sticky?

Because they use honeycombs.

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."