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Ups

Ups jokes

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.

A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks, "What gave me away?"

The man responds, "Your parents."

A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.

Jack and Jill went up a hill

To pick some dill.

Jack slid down the hill and hurt his leg of skill,

And he needed a painkiller pill.

Cristiano Clapnaldo woke up FEELING DANGEROUS against Real Sociedad!

- 0 tapins! - 0 assists! - 3/3 dives! - 0 key passes! - 2 big chances missed! - 1/4 dribbles! - 2 Offsides! - 27 claps!

Better than Elanga?

I see a kid crying in the park, right? So I go up to him and say, "Hey, where are your parents?" and he says, "Well, my dad left to get the milk and never came back, and my mother died in a plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle."

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

I was doing a magic show. I tried to make a bunny disappear, but it didn’t work.

I walked outside in shame. I looked up and realised the towers had disappeared!!!!

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.

Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"

"Yeah, I'm taking her home."

He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

True Story

A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

I don’t see what the problem is.

The Supreme Court came up with a solution to the tampon shortage, yet all the liberals are pissed!