Ups

Ups jokes

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

The guy called up to the orphanage, then he asked, "Where are the kids' faces?"

Then another guy said, "Sorry, there's no homepage."

Emos are weird to me because they dress up all black, and you know I don't like that, so that's why I don't like it.

Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"

The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"

A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"

You heard of the Pixar movie "Up," but have you heard of "Down, Down," the 9/11 terrorist attack?

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.

  • 6

    • God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.

    Best friend *holds a sign up that says "what gender are you?"*

    Me: Uh, male?..

    Best friend *then unfolds paper so it reads "what gender are you attracted to?"*

    Me: You silly goose.

    *Silence for like three seconds*

    Me: Still male though-

    The parentless child stood as her orphanage was blown up by a kamikaze I had rented.

    A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

    One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

    The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

    The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

    So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

    "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

    The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

    The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

    The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

  • 6

    • I've been drinking from a tall cup.

    His teeth look like Twin Towers, Al-Qaeda blown him up.

    A man came up to me and threatened me with his milk, cheese, and butter... how dairy!

    Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

    He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

    Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?

    He grew up a Florida Man, after all.