People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”
Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”
What do a crippled person's legs and the Twin Towers have in common? They both went down and never came back up.
I went up to the blind kid and punched him and said bet you didn't see that coming
Don't give up on your dreams...
Keep sleeping.
You signed up for football, but you're no good.
You're so skinny you're a thin stick You're so fat that when you got in Pacific Ocean you became the Pacific Ocean You're so ugly you got stuff for free You're so nasty that when you eat spaghetti you thought it was throw up You're so fat you're the fattest person on Earth You are so gay you kiss the boy last night
A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.
A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"
My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.
So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"
So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.
Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.
The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
The guy called up to the orphanage, then he asked, "Where are the kids' faces?"
Then another guy said, "Sorry, there's no homepage."
Emos are weird to me because they dress up all black, and you know I don't like that, so that's why I don't like it.
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony. He opened up a pasta shop and made some macaroni.
You heard of the Pixar movie "Up," but have you heard of "Down, Down," the 9/11 terrorist attack?
My forehead blew up because I saw yours at the forehead shop!
I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"
My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.
Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.
